Are you a morning person?

I hate you.

“Oh, I was up before the nightly news changed over to the morning news. I watched the sunrise on the patio while I drank my cruelty-free probiotic organic tea, then I power-walked to Snell Isle and back along the shoreline, earning money for dyslexic war orphans with each step while a pod of frolicking dolphins high-finned one another and kept pace.”

Ugh.

I hope the rest of your day is a shitpile of traffic, secondhand smoke and fatty beef.

It probably won’t be; the rest of your day will probably be a satisfying succession of solved problems, productive coworker interactions and selfless gifts of philanthropy. You have the energy to do such things, because you’re awesome, possessed of boundless energies, a morning person.

You make me want to puke from both ends.

Read the rest at Creative Loafing …

I’m a big fan of The Jealous Sound, and am quite happy that the group’s sophomore full-length, A Gentle Reminder, is finally out–NINE YEARS AFTER ITS PREDECESSOR. Hey, better late and all that, plus it’s an excellent listen.

Here’s my Creative Loafing review.

I’ve been a fan of Lanegan‘s rich, weary, soulful voice since the Screaming Trees days, and he keeps getting better, from guest stints with Queens of the Stone Age to his Gutter Twins project with the Afghan Whigs’ Greg Dulli. Here’s a taste of his forthcoming solo album, and damn, it’s good.

(via The Shark Tank)

Above is a map representing reported coyote sightings on my home turf–Pinellas County, Florida.

1. Holy crap!

2. Apparently coyotes don’t care much for Madeira Beach, which is weird, because it’s the one beach where they’re cool about you having alcohol.

3. Props to that one guy for making it all the way down to Fort DeSoto Park.

Having spent a lot of time in Texas, I’m quite pro-coyote. And since no one else in Florida knows a damn thing about them, no one can stop me from becoming The Coyote Whisperer. And they will DO MY BIDDING.

(ABC Action News story here.)

Thanks to Creative Loafing for letting me stretch my legs a bit–it’s been a long time since I covered TV for anybody, and it’s been fun. (Though I totally feel like an old man for thinking things like, “damn, it doesn’t come on until 10?”)

Here are my thoughts on the Archer season premiere.

Let’s say you’re out and about one day, running errands and whatnot, and you’re in the parking lot of a convenience store or Wal-Mart or whatever, and some strange guys come up to you. They tell you they produce pornography for a website, and they need to launder some sticky, sticky porn money, so can they pay you a thousand bucks to let them deposit two thousand bucks or so into your checking account for a couple of days using your cash card and PIN number?

Here in Florida, some people are falling for this. And some people who were suspicious have reported being forced to go along with the scheme at gunpoint–which, in my opinion, sounds more like a poorly conceived lie told by somebody who didn’t want to admit he actually fell for this.

The Sun-Sentinel has the sad, sad, cretinous story here.

When I saw the first one through the window on my way out to the garage, clambering gingerly over my ancient camo Chuck Taylors, I thought it was cute.

I couldn’t tell if it was a mouse or a baby rat but, at that size and location, it really didn’t matter to me all that much.

For anyone in the Tampa Bay area with fruit trees or a house built before the ’80s, rats are a familiar sight. Like most of my friends who own property, I long ago resigned myself to seeing them race along the top of the privacy fence, and occasionally to hearing one scratch around the crawlspace under the house. Really, what am I going to do about it? I’ve strung the chicken wire across the openings. I’ve kept the yard free of brush piles and debris. It doesn’t matter; if the rats want your oranges or your birdseed or your shade, they’re going to find a way.

That’s kind of what rats do.

Read the rest at Creative Loafing …

Looks like it’s my week for TV crit. The third season of Justified premiered last night, and the best show on TV hasn’t lost a step. Good, good stuff. Read my review for Creative Loafing here.

I wrote a bit about the first two hours of J.J. Abrams’ new Fox series Alcatraz, which debuted last night, for Creative Loafing. You can read it here.